Survivors and Parenting

Anecdotal evidence verbalised by clients since ISA’s inception in 1984, has indicated that survivors often believe they won’t be good parents, they fear abuse being perpetrated on their own children and have anxieties about not being able to protect their children. Such beliefs can lead to extremes of parenting behaviour – such as overprotecting a child, leading to an over-dependent parent-child relationship, or benign parental neglect of a child’s needs by ignorance of what those needs are as a child grows. Not all parents question why they parent in a specific way, or re-evaluate if there are better ways, or if what they do is the best approach for the children, though this is to be encouraged.

ISA services work on breaking silence, shame, generational cycles of abuse and building on strengths.

 For many years, Incest Survivors’ Association Inc. (ISA) has advocated the necessity of parenting groups specific to survivors’ of child sexual abuse and family violence. Survivors’ of intrafamilial child sexual abuse and family violence are often not ‘role-modelled’ safe, positive parenting practice, nor shown appropriate methods of dealing with anger, discipline and problem solving. Some survivors of childhood sexual abuse and family violence grow up with beliefs and attitudes to children that may have been ‘projected’ onto them (Markowitz, 2001). For many victims, some of the effects of their abuse are a silent ‘time-bomb’, not detonating until the next generation when they became parents themselves and face their past experiences and fears as they deal with their own children.
 
 
Research by Finkelhor (1979, 1986), Beaulieu-Landry (1991), Gil (1996), Tomison (1996), Rossman, Hughes & Rosenburg (2000), McCloskey and Bailey (2000), Bedford (2002) and Moloney (2005) has also indicated that incest; child sexual abuse and family violence often appear to be generational problems occurring in families, each generation ‘keeping a lid on’ the secret, and by default, ignorantly or unwillingly repeating the cycle of victimisation and silence.
 
Some of the key problems with generational transmission of child sexual abuse are:
  • The ‘silencing’ of the victims – often for years, where the risk of speaking may make a survivor feel responsible for family problems.
  • The false shame and guilt projected by perpetrators on child victims that ‘locks’ them afraid, in silence.
  • The passage of time between offences occurring and disclosure – the more years, the more likely that the victim is pressured to ‘get-over-it’ and not report the offences.
  • The unbelief of people the victim counts on for support, especially if years have passed and contact has been maintained with the perpetrator for various reasons.
  • Pressure from the family to not press charges if years have passed and the offender is old, sick, or they believe he/she has ‘changed’.
  • Patriarchal control-based family systems where females and children are not considered as valuable as males and ‘power’ rests with males.
  • Family shame – families not seeking professional help when a victim discloses – this can ‘minimise’ the damage to the victim(s) and a perpetrator can misread this as the victim(s) not being believed and continuing to offend, sometimes over generations.
  • Sub-cultural shame – religious, ethnic or other influences that pressure a victim to stay silent.
  • ‘Masks’ over abuse – addictions, psychological problems and family violence that overshadow child sexual abuse issues.

Parenting
 
Children depend upon their parents or primary caregivers to protect them and provide for their needs. Attachment Theory (Bowlby, 1988) and Social Learning Theory (Bandura, 1977) hold that intergenerational transmission of problem ways of relating, can be partly attributed to the way one was parented or role-modelled ways of relating by primary caregivers. Attachment problems can be ‘carried’ into relationships, including future parenting. Thus, parenting can be thought of as a learned, observed behaviour, often role-modelled through the experience of being a child and being parented: Parenting isn’t seen as primarily instinctive.
  • Belsky’s (1984) model (below) – ‘The determinants of parenting’ includes these concepts:
    1. Personal psychological resources of the parents
    2. Characteristics of the child.
    3. Environmental sources of stress and support.
  • 2 critical parental social roles in parent-child relationships:
    1. Care role. Emotional relationship style of family, eg. warm & nurturing, cold and unresponsive or vacillating.
    2. Control role. Family rules, boundaries and social regulation, eg. Restrictive and controlling parenting or permissive parenting lacking consistency.
The optimal parent-child relationship is reciprocal and involves collaborative parenting between primary caregivers and consideration of the best interests of the child developmentally, emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. This may include ‘safety-places’ or ‘safety-people’ in the child’s extended family or sub-culture, where responsibility for childcare and safety is shared (Tomison and Wise, 1999) and children educated in personal safety.
 
Belsky’s (1984) model of the determinants of parenting.
 
Note: Use a modern terminology for ‘Marital Relations’ – for eg. ‘Co-parent Relations’.
(There is no additional model of how the child’s determinants may flow into this model).

The interaction factors within the model influence the way that a parent relates to their child. For example:

  • If the parent has no social network support and their partner relationship is not supportive – the direct influence upon the child of the parental dissatisfaction and isolation may be more intense.
  • If a partner is violent, the other parent may find themselves a ‘buffer’ between the child and the violent parent, this can be exhausting and depressing.
  • Alternately, if the parent’s workplace is unsupportive of their worker’s parenting, this may affect the parent’s mood; parental anxiety may flow on to the child.


Effects of CSA relevant to parenting:

Psychological characteristics of child sexual abuse survivors’ or person’s who’ve grown up in violent families that challenge the ability to parent effectively include:

  • Depression / Anxiety and irrational fear / Anger & destructiveness / Problems with trust / Shame bound reasoning / Poor mutuality in relationships / Misconceptions regarding sexuality / Cognitive distortions / Self-doubt and poor boundaries / Mood swings / Fear and control issues / Emotional shutdown

Social characteristics of child sexual abuse survivors’ or person’s who’ve grown up in violent families that challenge the ability to parent effectively include:

  • Poor partner choice, often involving types of family violence / Re-enactment of family of origin issues / Family breakdown or disruption / Family re-location / Lack of family or social support / Isolation / Blended family issues / Environment conducive to revictimisation.

Persistent Effects of Child Sexual Abuse:
 
Identified in research by Bass and Davis (1988), Lew (1990), Gil (1988) Bedford (2002), Moloney (2005) and Courtois (1988) include:
  • Depression and mental health problems.
  • Self-destructive and self-harming behaviours.
  • Addictive coping behaviours.
  • Anxiety, stress and hypervigilance.
  • Feelings of shame, isolation & stigma.
  • Poor self-esteem and concentration problems.
  • Gynaecological problems, infertility & STD’s
  • Eating disorders.
  • Tendency to re-victimisation.
  • Disturbance in sexual functioning including unsafe sexual practices.
  • Poor relational boundaries & problem relationships.
  • Isolation and loneliness.

 
Breaking cycles & building support:

Given the damaging nature of child sexual abuse on individuals and families, it is imperative that interventions in cases of generational abuse focus on what victims of such abuse can do to break the cycle of abuse in their family or immediate culture without adding to the shame of the victims, their families, or their immediate culture. The assigning of responsibility for blame to the identified perpetrator(s) and building community safety networks to protect children of victims from perpetrators who may still be part of the family or community needs to be a priority.

CSA occurs within a specific context of family dysfunction, it is within a related context that the issue of breaking generational cycles needs to be addressed. A strengths-based, solution-focussed approach (O’Hanlon and Bertolino, 1998) to working with victims and related non-offending others’ in small group settings may be most useful. Interventions may include working with small groups of family members who aren’t CSA offenders, or with small community or sub-culture groups that want to stop generational abuse by building support and safety networks within their cultural environment that excludes known offenders in the community from attending, being involved or being allowed on certain premises.

This article has identified anecdotal, research and therapeutic issues that appear to be common to survivors’ of family violence and child sexual abuse, however, without seeking input from the people concerned, some of the key issues regarding survivors’ parenting attitudes, aptitudes and experiences may be overlooked. Solutions may rest with the victims. A person may not evaluate or adapt their parenting practices if they haven’t assessed their attitudes to parenting or the suitability of their parenting practices; assessing if they’re in their children’s best interest. Incest Survivors’ Association Inc. is conducting qualitative research (Richards, 2005) into the parenting beliefs and practices of female survivors of childhood sexual abuse as part of a free strengths-based, solution-focussed parenting group program called ‘Building Generations’. ISA aims for this to be developed into a best-practice framework for facilitation of similar groups with traumatised persons.

 
References

Alexander, P.C. Teti, L. and Anderson, C.L. (2000). Childhood Sexual Abuse History and Role Reversal in Parenting. Child Abuse & Neglect. 24(6), 829-838.

Bass, E., Davis, L. (1988). The Courage to Heal. A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse. London: Vermilion.

Bandura, A. (1977). Social Learning Theory. New York: General Learning Press.

Banyard, V.L. (1997). The Impact of Child Sexual Abuse and Family Functioning on Four Dimensions of Women’s Later
|
Parenting. Child Abuse & Neglect. 21(11), 1095-1107.

Beaulieu Landry, D. (1991). Family Fallout: A Handbook for Families of Adult Sexual Abuse Survivors. USA: Safer Society Press.

Bedford, K. (2002). Through Young Black Eyes: A Handbook to Protect Children from the Impact of Family Violence and Child Abuse. Australia: Secretariat National Aboriginal & Islander Child Care.

Belsky, J. (1984). The Determinants of Parenting: A Process Model. Child Development. 55(1), 83-96.

Bettelheim, B. (1988). A Good Enough Parent: A Book on Child Rearing. Vintage Books. New York: Random House.

Breckenridge, J., Davidson, J. (2002). The Impact of Mother’s Own History of Child Sexual Assault in Their Child’s Therapy – Help or Hindrance? Paper presented at Expanding Our Horizons Conference: Understanding the Complexities of Violence Against Women. February 2002. Australia: University of Sydney.

Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Clinical Applications of Attachment Theory. New York: Basic Books.

Briggs, F. (1993). Why My Child? Supporting Families of Victims of Child Sexual Abuse. Australia, NSW: Allen & Unwin Pty Ltd.

Burkett, L.P. (1991). Parenting Behaviours of Women Who Were Sexually Abused as Children in Their Families of Origin. Family Process. 31(4), 421-434.

Cole, P.M., Woolger, C. (1989). Incest Survivors: The Relation of Their Perceptions of Their Parents and Their Own
Parenting Attitudes. Child Abuse & Neglect. 13(3), 409-416.

Cole, P.M., Woolger, C., Power, T.G., & Smith, K.D. (1992). Parenting Difficulties Among Adult Survivors of Father-Daughter Incest. Child Abuse & Neglect. 16(2), 239-249.

Courtois, C.A. (1988). Healing the Incest Wound. Adult Survivors in Therapy. New York: W. W. Norton.

DiLillo, D., Tremblay, G.C., & Peterson, L. (2000). Linking Childhood Sexual Abuse and Abusive Parenting: The Mediating Role of Maternal Anger. Child Abuse & Neglect. 24(6), 767-779.

DeLillo, D.,  Damashek, A. (2003). Parenting Characteristics of Women Reporting a History of Childhood Sexual Abuse. Child Maltreatment. 8(4), 319-333.

Douglas, A. R. (2000). Reported Anxieties Concerning Intimate Parenting in Women Sexually Abused as Children. Child Abuse & Neglect. 24(3), 425-434.

Finkelhor, D. (1979). Sexually Victimized Children. New York: The Free Press.

Finkelhor, D. (1986). Sourcebook on Child Sexual Abuse. U.S.A.: Sage Publications.

Finkelhor, D. (1995). The Victimization of Children: A Developmental Perspective. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry. 65,177-193.

Fitzgerald, M. M. Shipman, K. L. Jackson, J. L. McMahon, R. J. & Hanley, H. M. (2005). Perceptions of Parenting Versus Parent-Child Interactions Among Incest Survivors. Child Abuse & Neglect. 29(2005), 661-681.
Gil, E. (1996). Systemic Treatment of Families Who Abuse. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass Publishers.

Hackett, S. (2001). Facing the Future: A Guide for Parents of Young People who Have Sexually Abused. Dorset: Russell House Publishing.

Hagans, K.B., Case, J. (1988). When Your Child Has Been Molested: A Parents guide to Healing and Recovery. New York: Lexington Books.

Lew, M. (1990). Victims No Longer. A Guide for Men Recovering from Sexual Child Abuse. Great Britain: Cedar.

Markowitz, F.E. (2001). Attitudes and Family Violence: Linking Intergenerational and cultural Theories. Journal of Family Violence. 16(2), 205-218.

McCloskey, L.A., Bailey, J.A. (2000). The Intergenerational Transmission of Risk for Child Sexual Abuse. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 15(10), 1019-1035.

Milner, J.S., Robertson, K.R., Rogers, D.L. (1990). Childhood History of Abuse and Adult Child Abuse Potential. Journal of Family Violence. 5(1), 15-34.

Moloney, M. (2005). Through Young Black Eyes: A Handbook to Protect Children from the Impact of Family Violence and Child Abuse. 2nd Edition. Australia: Secretariat National Aboriginal & Islander Child Care.

Mrazek, B.P., Kempe, C.H. (1991). Sexually Abused Children and Their Families. Great Britain: Pergamon Press.

O’Hanlon, B., Bertolino, B. (1998). Even From a Broken Web: Brief, Respectful, Solution-Oriented Therapy for Sexual Abuse and Trauma. New York: W. W. Norton & Company.

Richards, L (2005). Handling Qualitative Data: A Practical Guide. London: SAGE Publications Ltd.

Roberts, R.,O’Connor, T.,Dunn, J. (2004). The Effects of Child Sexual Abuse in Later Family Life; Mental Health, Parenting and Adjustment in Offspring. Child Abuse & Neglect. 28(2004), 525-545.

Rossman, B.B., Hughes, H.M., Rosenburg, M.S. (2000). Children and Interpersonal Violence: The Impact of Exposure. USA. Brunner/Mazel: Taylor & Francis.

Schuetze, P. and Das Eiden, R. (2005). The Relationship Between Sexual Abuse During Childhood and Parenting Outcomes: Modeling Direct and Indirect pathways. Child Abuse & Neglect. 29(2005), 645-659.

Tomison, A. (1996). Child Maltreatment and Family Structure. Discussion Paper Number 1. Winter. Canberra; Australian Institute of Family Studies. Retrieved November 2nd 2003 from http://www.aifs.org,au/

Tomison, A. (1996). Intergenerational Transmission of Maltreatment. Issues in Child Abuse Prevention. Australian Institute of Family Studies, Melbourne. 6,1-12.

Tomison, A. (1998). Valuing Parent Education: A Cornerstone of Child Abuse Prevention. Issues in Child Abuse Prevention. Australian Institute of Family Studies, Melbourne. 10,1-20.

Tomison, A., Wise, S. (1999). Community Based Approaches in Preventing Child Maltreatment. Issues in Child Abuse Prevention. Australian Institute of Family Studies, Melbourne. 11,1-20.